A Modest Proposal: Primaries

   
January 27, 2016 -- A poll out today, reported by MSNBC, has already made a mockery of next Monday’s Iowa caucuses.
    It says that if 200,000 Iowans show up and caucus, Donald Trump beats Senator Ted Cruz by, like, 47 to 29 (whopping). But if 170,000 show up, Cruz beats Trump 33 to 25. Scenario #1: Donald Trump is America’s Choice. Scenario #2: "Conservative Republicans will not support Donald Trump." Scenario #1: He’s Home. #2: He’s Toast. … So thirty thousand people in Iowa, who either do or don’t turn out, are setting the agenda here? That’s just stupid. Thirty thousand people? More people than that live in Radnor Township; cram 30,000 people into Citizens Bank Park and no one has to sit in the upper deck. C’mon, 30,000 people in a state with six electoral votes? Enough.
    Here’s what we oughta do (& you can have this for nothing…)  
    Leave the Iowa stubborn their moment on the National stage & let them keep their first-in-the-Nation caucuses, last week in January. On the condition that national news media covering these superfluous caucuses devote some serious time to informing Everyone about US Government Farm Policy. Which I will bet tomorrow’s lunch you don’t know anything about.
    What is our agricultural policy? Who gets to decide it? (The President from Chicago? The senators from Arkansas? Nancy Pelosi?) Who gets the subsidies? (we know there are subsidies; that’s the only thing about farm policy everybody Knows). How do those subsidies make the consumers’ lives any easier? …. Why is a pound of hamburger twice the price of a gallon of gasoline today? … Can Willie Nelson & John Mellencamp & Neil Young’s constituents make a living and afford to send their kids to the University of Nebraska, or is the “family farmer” (as I suspect) about to follow the trilobite down the historical oubliette?
    Do we Import food? Or Export it? (Or Both?) Well, I know we import fruit & vegetables (in season) from Latin America because I buy only fresh fruit & vegetables. But what about the big stuff -- wheat & rice & corn & soybeans? I mean, we live in a capitalist society & prices are prices: Is the USA a net exporter or a net importer of agricultural products? I don’t know.
    And if we are net Importers, I’d like to know why; and I’ll bet a lot of potential caucusers in Iowa would too.
 
    As for that first primary, first Tuesday in February, don’t anyone dare take it away from New Hampshire. The small states deserve their day in the sun, and none more than the Granite State … because Everything People Think They Know About NH Is Wrong. There are more Democrats in NH than there are Republicans, and more Independents than there are Democrats. And Independents can make up their minds to vote in either Presidential primary the moment they sign in.
    New Hampshirites (is that a word?) are on average more affluent than most Americans & better educated than most Americans. Over the last 30 years or so, most of the most important elective offices in the state have been held by women. If any state should be the first to pass judgment on this cycle’s Presidential Pretenders (lookin’ at you, Senator Cruz), thank you, Jesus, it’s New Hampshire. … Just outside the Massachusetts-New Hampshire border, IN New Hampshire, I-95, which is at least a six-lane highway here, forks to form a huge island in the middle of the road. On that island is the most amazing liquor store I have ever been in (and I have been in liquor stores in Moscow. Russia.). You want it? They got it. You never even thought about it? They got that, too. And the prices are a  m  a  z  i  n  g. New Hampshire! Chip Kelly used to coach there.

    All that said, after that, though, we’re gonna’ need some reforms. The current SEC Primaries in the first week of March are anything but representative, and yet skew the conversation & the strategies & the donations (shall we say?) disproportionately.  Both parties have to realize that having primary voters in the Old Confederacy essentially pick their national nominees is … well, it’s just stupid, too. The Democrats could run the ghost of Pierre Gustave Toussaint Beauregard in the primary election and still wouldn’t win South Carolina in November. No. This is what we should do:
    After Iowa & New Hampshire, there are 48 states left. Beginning in the first week o’ March over the next nine weeks (we‘re going to skip the Tuesday after Easter), six primaries a week in the remaining 48 states -- in alphabetical order. Week 1: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado …. Week 6: Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming. … California gets to throw down a marker for the Democratic nominee right off the bat (and maybe it saves someone on a fool’s errand a helluva lot of other people’s money) but you could say the same for how AL, AZ & AK view the GOP field. And I’ll stay up late to see how Colorado views this entire 2016 class.
    The Important Thing is: before these reforms can be made, we have to call a truce. Both parties must agree to stop their voter-suppression efforts, and invite in United Nations observers to make sure every dumb asshole in this wonderful nation of ours gets to express his asshole opinion in a voting booth. Oh, and one more thing, every few years every eligible voter will be issued a Voter Ticket -- an actual piece of paper -- and every so often, such voter must show up on Election Day and literally get his ticket punched. And if you are at any time unable to produce a punched ticket, you are disqualified from buying a gun. In fact, you are disqualified from having a gun. Nobody gets to exercise his 2nd Amendment rights until he can prove he’s exercised his 15th Amendment rights first.
    Takes care o’ that.
    So there you have it. A system that maximizes Participation. And interest. That also somewhat (but crucially) weights things toward the states that really matter: Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas … I’m kinda keen on the idea of really, really, really close races in both parties coming down to Virginia. I’ve lived & worked in Virginia, and I don’t know if nowadays it’s in the South or the North.
    This last little thing we have to insist on … All these primaries .. No more Winner-Take-All states. The Presidential Election is something else. But for primaries, my plan has to insist on proportional representation. Be fair: If it’s February, and 40% of voters want Lennon and 30% want Harrison and 20% want Starkey (and the other 10% is scratching its heads among McCartney, Obama, Dave Clark & Durbano), it’s only fair to parcel out the delegates won proportionally. (Hell, suitably reinforced, Dave Clark might come on to win the nomination!)
    And this is not a hardship or a deal-breaker for the Parties. Both have enough Superdelegate rules written into their nominating processes that they’ll all be able to rally around their party’s most electable candidate, even if it is Mitt Romney. Or Michael Dukakis.