Russia Russia, Russia

 

Let’s think about Trump-Russia for a moment. And let’s try to put ourselves into the minds of our (for want of a better word) co-conspirators. We have Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, and it is the year 2015.

                Vladimir Putin, ex-Red Army intel thug, ex-KGB boss, has ascended to Complete Power in the Russian Republic following the collapse of the Comedy Administration of (drunken) Boris Yeltsin; he controls a country that feels denigrated by the West, suppressed, and yet a country with vast resources (especially in the energy sector) and the second-largest nuclear arsenal in the world. Putin himself is the Absolute Master of All He Surveys, unchallenged head of the Most Complete Kleptocracy in History. He is not only the richest individual on Earth; he is the wealthiest person in the entire history of humanity. (This is true; it was true in 2015 and it will still be true tomorrow, whenever you read this.)

Donald Trump -- do I have to waste your time? Real-estate charlatan, casino ghoul, deadbeat faux billionaire, four-time bankrupt, Trump wine, steaks, ties, University; reality-television middleweight [yes, his shows were never exactly “Survivor,” were they?]; moral abomination -- all of that now (in his ever-desperate need for money) turned Populist Republican candidate for President.

What do these two men have in common in 2015? Nothing much. Trump would Do Anything for Putin’s permission to build one of his shitty hotels in Moscow; Putin couldn’t pick Trump out of a lineup … seriously, something that looks like Donald Trump! 

But by 2016, it’s (albeit remotely) possible Trump could win the Republican nomination! And this becomes Of Interest to V. Putin because everybody knows (and everybody was right) that Hillary Clinton was going to win the Democratic nomination -- and there was No One on this planet that gospodin Putin hates more than he hates Hillary Clinton.

So. It’s one of those tedious foreign-policy meetings, late afternoon in late January -- it’s darker than Hell outside -- and the last thing on the agenda is the US elections.

[An oily sycophant musters the courage to speak.]: Mr. President, FSB has a file on the American capitalist-enemy Trump. … A very eeen-ter-est-ing file

VP: WHAT IS IT?

OS: Theeese man was in Moskva in 2013 to produce the Miss Universe show … he wanted you to attend … [VP is losing his celebrated patience with this nitwit] … Comrade Agalarov had spotted him

VP: Agalarov? Hmm. Go on.

OK, you already know what the oily sycophant told Putin: the hotels, the hookers … I’ll tell you what you don’t know. Whatever they call KGB these days -- FSB, FDA, FBI, FBLA -- Aras Agalarov was a Big Deal in it. And his whole family, including his rock star-manqué son, Emin Agalarov, was a totally paid-up member. Agalarov is identified in the US media as an “oligarch.” Russian “oligarchs” are not businessmen who have somehow cornered a valuable hunk of market share in something: They are fucking hoodlums who have extorted, strong-armed and murdered their way into valuable hunks of market share in something. And they’re Government hoodlums (something we won’t have until Trump’s second term)

Now, like any sports team, intelligence agencies have playbooks. “One out, man on first, you play the infield at double-play depth and pitch the hitter outside” is the same in spy-lingo as “Always keep the airports, train stations and bus depots under surveillance for new arrivals.” It’s what you do. Every playbook has its equivalent of “Philly Special” and so does FSB’s. The Eagles ran “Philly Special” on fourth-and-goal at the one with time winding down in the first half of the Super Bowl. In comparison, FSB’s “Moscow Special” was something off the practice field before it came incredibly more significant. The play -- Honey Trap 4.0 --basically involves getting “the mark” (a technical term for “the idiot you’re getting dirt on”) into the most disgusting, degrading position you can conjure up and then photographing what happens next.

Well, you know what they did, Trump doesn’t remember it, but everybody in FSB knows damn well what happened. How do think Christopher Steele found out about it? Because it was a Soviet Intel Urban Legend. It was their “Philly Special” before there even was a Philly Special. It was FBS’s Greatest Hit. All the gray, little people who had a hand in it -- all the hopped-up cab drivers, the swarmy hotel clerks, all the keyhole-peepers, all the pimps, all the drug dealer-hot dose artists -- everyone who had conspired to make this crème de la crème of konspiratsia come true were so beside themselves they had to tell somebody. This was FSB’s “Layla.” Of  course a guy like Steele was going to find out about it  . (I may have met some of these Russians back in the day; I’m a little miffed they didn’t call me to boast about it.)

· The 2016 Election was certainly “Stolen” for the benefit of Donald Trump & the Republicans. But exactly why Trump won (and Hillary Clinton lost) is not a cut-and-dried “Putin did it.”

Hillary Clinton more than helped: Rules don’t apply to the Clintons; she HAD to use a private e-mail server; she had to bait them. She’s the most hated national politician since George Wallace, and she has to flaunt it. She’s the first woman this close to the Presidency, and she took it for granted that somehow she was inevitable …

The third parties didn’t do her any favors.

The Russian hackers (aided & abetted by Jared Kushner) targeted [maybe, maybe not] enough voters in Michigan, Wisconsin & Pennsylvania to swing those states. And if they didn’t …Good ol’ fashioned GOP Voter Suppression in not just those states but 20 others was more than enough to boat this marlin. Because, this election was always closer than anyone with a brain in his head could imagine. People were tired of Obama (and at the same time already nostalgic about him), and the mood in this country was Mean. White people have a lot of angst, a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear, and no power and no influence. And FUCK FACEBOOK. Facebook did not win the 2016 election for Donald Trump. Good old-fashioned GOP Voter Suppression was more than enough.

Not that we shouldn’t impeach, remove, bankrupt, strip naked & flay all the skin off Donald Trump (I’ll do it myself), but we gotta stop this voter suppression. First. Now. Everybody with a Social Security Number gets a card with his/her picture on it. It is your Voter ID. Flash it on Election Day. And vote for Trump if you want to … it’s up to you             

So it seems as if the Russians on Facebook targeted tiny little minds, on their devices, here in America with exotic intellectual poison such as "Hillary's no good," "Donald Trump is even more White than you are," and "Don't be stupid/Be a schmarty/Come & join the 'publican party" - AND THIS COST THE DEMS THE ELECTION. And now we should put Trump & his whole invertebrate family into Leavenworth. Because of THIS? ... Dumb opinions? Playground bantz?
                Look, if I'm getting this right, "Russian collusion" is a crime because It Changed People's Opinions? When did trying to get you to switch to Pepsi become a crime?

Fast Forward Christmas 2025. We are (somehow) still being “governed” by an antisocial kleptomaniac whose only political “support” comes from two (minority) thirds of the minority party, the Tea Party/Freedom Caucus zealots & the Nativist/Fascists. How we got into this shithole will be providing material for Ph.D. theses until the 23^rd Century or until the Vogon destructor fleet comes through, whichever comes first.

And, if I may, a final thought. Here’s a lovely word: exculpatory. It’s an adjective with a Latin background, and it describes, actually in a quasi-legal sense, the evidence or the testimony that you provide to prove that “all these charges against me are nonsense.” The best exculpatory evidence is an airtight alibi. “Don’t blame me. I didn’t do it!” That bank job happened at 2:15 in the afternoon. At that very moment, I was in Citizens Bank Park watching the Phillies & the Marlins. At 2:25, all 59 people who were watching the telecast of that game on CSN saw me make a one-handed catch of a foul ball off the bat of Aaron Altherr.” That’s exculpatory. (I might have masterminded that bank job, but I wasn’t there pulling it off myself…)

But that’s not the point. The point is: Ever since Trump-Russia burst onto the radar, we have had a mountain of evidence (and speculation & innuendo & wishful thinking) about how guilty the Trumpistas are. We have not had a single shred of Exculpatory evidence. Explain that for me, willya, Pal?