Turn 38

Ahead of this last stage of the season, two meaningless midweek make-up fixtures involving all of the top four. When Manchester United—Chelsea was postponed because of the FA Cup semifinals, there was at least a glimmer of hope that this would be a key matchup. United was 14 points adrift with all of it to do, but Chelsea still had Arsenal to play and a trip to Bolton, and… Well, it didn’t happen. Chelsea got a second draw with Gunners in the ensuing midweek, while United were losing @ Everton, and it would be no championship for Sir Alex Ferguson this year either. But at least, @ Old Trafford and warming up for the FA Cup final, United would achieve a measure of respectability by winning this one, right? Ruud van Nistelrooy was back in the side, and Red Devils opened brightly—with the Dutchman netting on 8’. It was van Nistelrooy’s first League goal since Nov. 27 at the Hawthorns, his first from open play in more than 20 hours of League football, and just his 5th League goal of the season, but it gave United a lead, the only one they’ve had over Chelsea in four meetings this season. That lead lasted 9 minutes, when Tiago’s 30-yard knuckleball of a shot completely bamboozled Roy Carroll. At that point, there was no way United were going to win. A gaffe by Rio Ferdinand that sent Eidur Gudjohnsen through and a converted rebound by Joe Cole guaranteed the loss. It was the first time since the Community Shield that Manchester Utd. had shipped 3 goals in one game (all competitions). … Next day, 4th place Everton went to Highbury looking for (a) revenge (Toffees lost the reverse fixture, 4-1, on Opening Day, and were sent packing in the League Cup by Gunners reserves) and (b) respect (they are, after all, heading for the Champions League this summer). Instead, Arsenal gave Everton the back of their hand. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, and I, for one, am no Nick Hornby, Arsenal in full cry can be a beautiful, beautiful thing. They ran out 7-0 winners, and the scoreline actually flattered Everton. On a night when Dennis Bergkamp may very well have been playing the last home fixture of his 10-year Premiership career, the magical Dutchman assisted on four of the goals, and scored the 6th. Thierry Henry was introduced at the interval, and awarded a thoroughly undeserved penalty. What was neat about it was the committee meeting among Arsenal players that decided that Edu—certainly playing the last home fixture of his EPL career—should take the shot. Of course, it deflected in off the outstretched arm of hapless Richard Wright (an Arsenal old boy getting a less than warm homecoming reception). …
Stage Winner. Duh! Whoever Stays Up, innit? We all know who did stay up, but for those of you who didn’t get all the details, here’s our breathless re-creation of Survival Sunday.
At 3 o’clock British Summer Time, it shaped up like this. Norwich City in 17th place (i.e., Safety) on 33 points were about to kick off @ Fulham; Southampton, in 18th on 32 points, were hosting Manchester United; Crystal Palace, in 19th but also on 32 points, were at Charlton Athletic; and West Bromwich Albion, in 20th on 31 points, were at home to Portsmouth. Remember: 3 points for a win, 1 point for a tie.
10’: Against the run of play, Brian McBride scores for Fulham.
10’+: John O’Shea plays Graeme LeSaux’s corner kick into his own net. Southampton are up 1-0. If the season ends at this moment, Saints are safe.
19’: And they are still safe—if only on goal differential—when Man U’s Darren Fletcher equalizes.
30’: Brian Hughes scores Charlton’s first goal for 400 minutes of League play.
35’: Papa Boupa Diop, Fulham’s MVP this season, rips home a 35-yard free kick that puts Norwich down by two goals. As all four games come to the interval, Southampton are in 17th on 33 pts., Norwich are also on 33, Palace on 32 and West Brom (level 0-0 with Pompey) also on 32, but still in 20th.
54’: Overall, it’s been a bad year for Fulham and their agreeable young gaffer, Chris Coleman. The results just haven’t come, and until the last couple of weeks, there was the distinct possibility that they would be dragged into the relegation fight themselves, instead of being one of the teams that decides it. All week, Coleman promised his team would go all out against Norwich—no favors, no quarter. Zat Knight collected a rebound after two Canaries defenders fell into one another trying to clear their line and ripped it home for his first-ever EPL goal. 3-0 to Fulham, and Queer Street for Norwich. Canaries had not won a single away fixture in the League all season. If they were to stay up now, they would need all of the other three teams to lose.
56’: Dougie Freedman’s first goal since who-knows-when pulls Palace level with Charlton.
58’: Substitute Geoff Horsfield is on the pitch @ The Hawthorns a matter of seconds when a deflection comes right to his feet in the Portsmouth box, and the veteran makes no mistake. West Brom take the lead. Now it’s Baggies on 34, Southampton on 33, Crystal Palace on 33 and Norwich on 33 but bottom on goal difference.
63’: The much-maligned Darren Fletcher, who, after all, is supposed to be David Beckham’s replacement on the right side of midfield, turns provider for Ruud van Nistelrooy. Southampton trail, 2-1.
71’: Every year, just about the time the cherries bloom in Washington, Charlton Athletic makes a hideous metamorphosis from a European hopeful to a mid-table also-ran. Along the way, its players do—well, stupid stuff, like Jon Fortune’s hand ball in the box that gifts a penalty to Palace’s Andy Johnson. Johnson has 20 goals this season, half of them from the spot. And he does not mess this one up. Palace are up 2-1.
72’: Steed Malbranque, who hasn’t featured much for Fulham this season, makes it 4-0 against a defenceless Norwich who have run their legs off. Brian McBride will get his second of the game on 85’ and turn provider for Andy Cole on 90’. Norwich lose 6-0.
75’: Quentin Richardson scores to make it 2-0 to West Brom. Rumors were that Portsmouth were going to relax and let Albion win this game so that it might cause the demotion of their clasico rivals Southampton, but there is no evidence of that on the pitch. West Brom have to win and get help to stay up. At least, they’re going to uphold their end of the bargain. Alas, on 34 points, West Brom are still in the drop zone. Crystal Palace are 17th on 35; then it’s West Brom on 34, Norwich on 33 and Southampton on 32.
82’: Back to The Valley, where just a moment ago, Charlton had a legitimate penalty shout after a foul by Palace’s young defender Leighterwood. It looks like the soccer gods have smiled on Palace’s Iain Dowie. His Eagles are now just eight minutes from safety… And then a Charlton free kick comes swinging into the Palace box. In hindsight, ‘keeper Gabor Kiraly should have come for it. He didn’t—and the goat from 10 minutes ago, Jon Fortune, headed home to level the scores.
85’: Undaunted, Palace resume the attack. As this South London derby heads toward stoppage time, Charlton’s Dean Kiely makes a fine save to deny Dougie Freedman …
90’: The results are coming in now: Southampton loses to Manchester United, and they are down. Norwich are put to the sword @ Fulham, and they are down. At The Hawthorns, where West Bromwich Albion have seen off Portsmouth, 2-0, the crowd holds its collective breath. And then, at last, comes the news from London—Charlton Athletic 2, Crystal Palace 2. West Bromwich Albion, 20th at Christmas—hell, 20th just two hours ago—have beaten the reaper. The celebration that erupts immediately is, I swear, the most emotional seen in the Black Country since V-E Day.
Corner Kicks. With one to play, three teams were still alive for a UEFA Cup berth. Credit Chelsea; Blues’ runaway League form had the other heavyweights paying more attention to the English cup competitions (for a change). Silverware is silverware, after all, even if only a consolation prize. When Chelsea won the League Cup, it opened up the second of England’s three UEFA Cup places to the League’s 6th-place finisher (only the 5th-place side is guaranteed UEFA Cup football). And when Arsenal and Manchester United made it to the final of the FA Cup, it gave England’s last UEFA place to the seventh-place finisher. At kickoff, Middlesbrough was in 7th (on 54 points), and home to 8th-place Manchester City (on 51). All ‘Boro needed was a draw. A win for City, however, would boost them above Middlesbrough on goal difference. Tottenham, also on 51, had the most to do. Spurs needed a City win, plus they had to beat visiting Blackburn and better City’s result by two clear goals. Got it? Well, Spurs couldn’t do either. Backup ‘keeper Radek Cerny had little trouble keeping a clean sheet against offensively challenged Blackburn, but Rovers defensive style—best described as “if it moves, kick it until it stops moving”—never gave Tottenham a whiff of Brad Friedel’s goal, either. That left it up to the boys at the Riverside, where Manchester City started brightly, with Shaun Wright-Phillips going just wide early on. Boro’s Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink made them pay for that, whipping in a Beckhamesque free kick (against the run of play) to put Steve McClaren’s lot back on the road to Europe. Kiki Musampa (one of Kevin Keegan’s better signings) equalized on the spot of halftime, and suddenly there was everything to play for. In the 88th minute, still 1-1, Stuart Pearce, Manager of the Month for April, made his boldest move in May, taking off Claudio Reyna and bringing on reserve goalkeeper Nicky Weaver. Weaver went between the sticks—and David James moved to the outfield! Some switch. Deep in stoppage time, James’s presence in the Boro box lead defender Franck Queudrue to handle the ball: Penalty to Manchester City. If Robbie Fowler could convert, City were in Europe. His PK was beautifully taken, low and hard to Boro keeper Mark Schwarzer’s left. Schwarzer saved it anyway. City fall oh-so-achingly short. … Elsewhere, Arsenal tuned up for Saturday’s FA Cup by giving Robert Pires and Lauren a week off, while welcoming Freddie Ljungberg back into the side for the trip to Birmingham. Walter Pandiani, who was not exactly the goal-scoring machine Steve Bruce envisioned when he brought the feisty Uruguayan to St. Andrews, put City ahead; Dennis Bergkamp leveled—and Emile Heskey hit a late winner to give Birmingham City the points. … Tim Cahill scored a brilliant chileno for Everton, but 10-man Bolton won the game, anyway. … Djibril Cisse netted a brace as Liverpool saw off Aston Villa. Villa’s season just ran out of gas; one wonders, though, how much better Scousers’ campaign would have been with Cisse healthy all season….
Yellow Jersey: Chelsea finished up with a draw @ Newcastle, ending the season with 29 wins, 95 points, 15 goals conceded, and a goal differential of plus 57—all Premiership records.
For What It’s Worth: Notes on Relegation. If the Bottom Four had been a league unto themselves, Norwich City would have won it. Canaries took 9 points (of a possible 18) from their fellow strugglers. West Bromwich Albion managed just 4 draws against this lot. Their 34 points were the least ever for a Premiership survivor. … Baggies are the first team since Bradford in 2000 to climb out of the relegation zone on the last day of the season. Coventry City were in 19th on the last day in 1997 and escaped; West Brom are the only team in EPL history to climb off the bottom into safety on the last day. … Norwich City were the first D1 champions from the season before to be sent right back down since Nottingham Forest in 1999. They did it with their defense, which yielded a league-high 77 goals. Canaries were also the only top-flight side this season without an away win. … Southampton’s run in the top flight ends after 27 seasons. Only the powerhouses—Man Utd., Arsenal, Everton & Liverpool—have been in the top flight longer. … Those four, plus Aston Villa, Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspur, are the only sides from the first year of the EPL who have never been relegated from it. Season 14 begins in August.